Tuesday, January 09, 2007

my god ate my homework

Excuses. You gotta love excuses. Almost as much as you gotta love insomnia.

In my job, I hear a lot of excuses. Unfortunately, for a reason that remains a mystery to me, I spent most of last night with a few really good ones running through my head - grinding like a truck stuck in the mud. Brain mud.

The cool one from yesterday was an abuser who couldn't get to his whatever (restraining order hearing, divorce mediation, assault case, whatever) because he was offshore on a deep-water fishing boat. Although our attorney represents the guy's ex, the guy wanted our lawyer to go in and ask for a continuance.

Hmmm. Let's just pretend for a moment that there is any excuse for getting on a shark boat and heading into international waters when you know you have a court appearance scheduled that week. Pretending this, we can move on into the fake-o-rama smackdown that our attorney and I envisioned after getting that phone call (complete with fake sound effects on each side).

Perp: "Hi, ah...so I need a continuance because...ah...I'm...ah...in the ... ocean." (insert sound effects of waves and gulls - "swoooosh, swooooosh" "squak, squaaaaaaaak!")

Lawyer: "Oh, hi. Yeah. Well...ah...I can't get you a continuance because I'm, erm...I'm....on the moon." (insert rocket noises and strange beeping)

Perp: "What's that? I can't....oh, my god! A giant lobster just raked the boat! (flush toilet into phone)...Sweet Jesus, help us! We need a bigger boat!"

Lawyer: "Sorry, you're breaking up. A giant rocket just went by! (run hairdryer by phone)...Ow! My ears just popped!"

Perp: "Ohmygod, pirates! We're being attacked by pirates! (plays episode of Spongebob loudly in the background).

Lawyer: "Ohmygod, aliens! Sorry...gotta go. There's an alien menace! (plays episode of Battlestar Galactica loudly in the background).

Both make fizzing, swishing, roaring noises into their phones before hanging up.

So, I won't even tell you how many hours I lay in bed thinking about this, last night. Suffice to say, way too long. :)


Gwen said...

OMG You are so funny! I laughed until I almost wet myself!


Gwen said...

OMG You are so funny! I laughed until I almost wet myself!


Anonymous said...

CrimsonCrow (without her password) says:OMG. I'd laff but I know too well what it's like being awake with "insanethoughts" running...

You have my sympathies.