Wednesday, February 28, 2007

"a picture is worth a thousand turds" (title by crimsoncrow, thanks very much)









a friend of mine is enduring the worst of new england, wintry ordeals--no septic and no water. awful! and they can't fix it until the ground is soft enough to backho (who are you callin' a backho???)








so I got online and googled "camp toilets" on an impulse--hoping to find something cheap she might want to buy for the forseeable future. all the top google hits were on amazon.com! and they were SO funny that we wished we were sitting on a hassock-crapper when we read the page.let's see--there was the "luggable loo," a low end and affordable (bucket). don't worry, though--it comes with a bag of (6) "double doodie toilet bags." how civilized.

then comes the high-end equipment like the no-flush with cushioned seat! it's a toilet and a hassock. never miss out on your favorite tv shows again! aside from the bedsores, your quality of life will be vastly improved. we were visualizing the long board meetings and committee meetings we have to go to at work--an advocate on every pot. Isn't that what FDR wanted, or was it a chicken in every pot? details, details.


thanks, amazon.com! now all I need is some reading material....









Sunday, February 18, 2007

Church Sign Generator


Church Sign Generator



FUUUUUUUNNNNNNN! Thanks, crimsoncrow! :) ljl

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

love and chocolate

happy valentines day! really...I mean it.



Sunday, February 11, 2007

greyhound meet'n'greet







We took Star to the adoption meet and greet, this weekend. Greyhounds everywhere! It is done at local pet shops and so on, to generate awareness of greyhounds and try to get adoptors as well as donations. It is very effective, because people love to see these dogs.

We saw the other white/brindle girl who lives in our area, too. Her name is Beyonce and our neighbors confuse Star with her all the time.

I haven't learned how to take the time/date stamp off the pics in my new camera, yet, but here are some shots. :)

PS: The old, white guy in the MGPS blanket is Ernie. He's a sweetie.






Monday, February 05, 2007

star sign


AQUARIUS (Jan 20- Feb 18)
Aquarius pets are gentle and loving with children and will bark or meow just to hear the sound of their own voices. They are extremely intelligent and unbelievably brained. You need lots of patience when you train them. They do not obey orders easily and the more you push them, the deeper they will put their paws into the ground and refuse to budge. Sometimes these pets don't want to be cuddled or petted, but remain aloof. Aquarius pets are curious and inquisitive and will literally push their noses into everything.



ophelia


yes, I still have cats! a lot of them. this is a nice shot of Ophelia, my baby since college. she's my muse - except when she resents my use of the computer and perches on the printer - shredding every page as is comes out. everybody's a critic. ;)

Sunday, February 04, 2007

couch potato


Stardom's Birthday




Today Star turns four! I got her a dog couch and it arrived Friday. I admit I couldn't resist setting it up a day early. At that point she turned into a "couch potato" by grabbing one of her favorite buber toys from the kitchen and mauling it on her new digs. I replaced it with a carrot, but the predatory impulse just wasn't there.






Thursday, February 01, 2007

Friday, January 26, 2007

seriously, i'm in mint condition

Here we are in winter. It finally caught up with us. I was sick as a dog last week and missed some work.

Speaking of “sick like a dog,” my poor puppy tore her dew claw on the car seat two weeks ago. They had to remove the whole thing. She was in a soft cast for a few days, but now its pretty much back to normal. Of course, she has had to adjust to the cold weather. She has to wear her red coat now, and her little boots. She has to go through the suiting-up process even for a by-the-door pee because the ice crust on the snow tears her skin as if it were paper. It has been around 0-10 degrees Fahrenheit in the morning lately and lower with the wind. Walking on the little bit of snow that got sleeted on and then glazed with ice is like breaking hundreds of plates. The old New Englanders (like my grandma) used to say, “As the days start to lengthen, the cold starts to strengthen.” No shit. They are forecasting as low as -20 F for this weekend. Everyone is sick, not just me.

The day I tried to go to work and had to leave was the worst. I ended up on the bathroom floor, tearing through the little first aid kit like a heroin addict. I was tossing shit over my shoulder, looking for anything that would help me in any small way. I had gone through the aspirin a long time ago. All I scored was some ointment for my nose and some electrolyte tablets that I didn’t dare take, in the end.

I listened to a client that I have worked with for a long time while she rehearsed her victim-impact statement (to be read in court the next day). My eyes were running and I had tissue literally shoved in my nose, since it was running like a tap. I was sneezing so hard I needed an adult diaper. The bad news is that I didn’t have one.

Fortunately that client and I know each other quite well, so she didn’t mind seeing me like that. She had actually been taking her dog to the vet when I had Star there for the dew-claw amputation. That’s a small community, for you.

She sat with me while I was on the waiting room floor with my seventy-pound Greyhound in my lap. Poor Starry had her tongue hanging out and she was all wrapped in blankets. The vet kept coming out and checking her heart rate and stuff, waiting for her to come out of the anesthesia enough to get in the car. I was a basket case because my Lucky boy (also a Greyhound) died under anesthesia about a year ago, while he was in recovery from having a tooth extraction. Bad, bad memories. I had tried to leave Star there and go to work, but I started hyperventilating. Fortunately, I work for an agency that runs a 24 hour crisis hotline. I called it. Really.

My colleague was great and commanded I just go back and be with my dog. She cancelled my gigs for me. No matter what we go through or how I bitch about my job sometimes, I am lucky to do this work and know that caliber of person. Or – some other term that isn’t so firearm-oriented.

Anyhoo, the whole day was just really fun. Yet I was very grateful that my dog didn’t die. Then the next week I got sick.

Obviously, going to work with this cold was a big mistake. But the thing moved through its critical period pretty quickly. That was a blessing. And we had a snow day when I was about to try going back to work (and probably shouldn’t have), so that was another blessing. It was Friday, too!

I am at the church and I expect a client within the hour. Of course, I have learned the hard way not to count on callers until they actually show. It is cold out and people tend to get the hibernation mentality if they have a choice about it. So we’ll see.

Then I have to leave in about an hour to go do a set of gigs at a grade-school. They got postponed when the dog got hurt, so I’ll be glad to get in there and have it over with. Tomorrow I’m doing a joint presentation at a local college with sexual assault, the SART (rape kit) nurse, a cop and a victim witness advocate (from the DA Office). And tomorrow, my friends, is FRIDAY!

Let’s see – we need something green. Allow me (actually you don’t have a choice) to quote from The Wisdom of Nature: The Healing Powers and Symbolism of Plants and Animals in the Middle Ages (Werner Telesko, Prestel Press). Because, why? Because, it’s here. Okay:

Menta piperita L. – According to Greek mythology, the nymph Minthe was transformed into mint by Persephone. Various mint species were used in medicines by the Egyptians, Israelites and Romans. The Egyptians and Greeks also added mint to their beer and used it in beauty care. Charlemagne’s Capitulare de villis (795) and the famour plan of the monastery at St. Gallen (around 820) recommended the cultivation of several mint species.

In place of smelling salts, mint is said to have an invigorating effect on someone who has fainted. Mixed in pomegranate wine, it cures hiccups and nausea. The liquid obtained from the whole plant in a distillation flask is described as an effective cure for nose bleeds. Milk does not curdle, so it is said, if a few mint leaves are dropped in it. Peppermint tea is used to treat diseases of the respiratory tract and digestive organs. Peppermint oil or menthol is applied externally as an ointment, balm or liniment to relieve pain.

The text describes mint as hot and dry in the third degree. Small plants with dense foliage are best.

** So, there. I’m thinking I need a shitload of mint.


Stay warm, ljl J

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

my god ate my homework


Excuses. You gotta love excuses. Almost as much as you gotta love insomnia.

In my job, I hear a lot of excuses. Unfortunately, for a reason that remains a mystery to me, I spent most of last night with a few really good ones running through my head - grinding like a truck stuck in the mud. Brain mud.

The cool one from yesterday was an abuser who couldn't get to his whatever (restraining order hearing, divorce mediation, assault case, whatever) because he was offshore on a deep-water fishing boat. Although our attorney represents the guy's ex, the guy wanted our lawyer to go in and ask for a continuance.

Hmmm. Let's just pretend for a moment that there is any excuse for getting on a shark boat and heading into international waters when you know you have a court appearance scheduled that week. Pretending this, we can move on into the fake-o-rama smackdown that our attorney and I envisioned after getting that phone call (complete with fake sound effects on each side).

Perp: "Hi, ah...so I need a continuance because...ah...I'm...ah...in the ... ocean." (insert sound effects of waves and gulls - "swoooosh, swooooosh" "squak, squaaaaaaaak!")

Lawyer: "Oh, hi. Yeah. Well...ah...I can't get you a continuance because I'm, erm...I'm....on the moon." (insert rocket noises and strange beeping)

Perp: "What's that? I can't....oh, my god! A giant lobster just raked the boat! (flush toilet into phone)...Sweet Jesus, help us! We need a bigger boat!"

Lawyer: "Sorry, you're breaking up. A giant rocket just went by! (run hairdryer by phone)...Ow! My ears just popped!"

Perp: "Ohmygod, pirates! We're being attacked by pirates! (plays episode of Spongebob loudly in the background).

Lawyer: "Ohmygod, aliens! Sorry...gotta go. There's an alien menace! (plays episode of Battlestar Galactica loudly in the background).

Both make fizzing, swishing, roaring noises into their phones before hanging up.






So, I won't even tell you how many hours I lay in bed thinking about this, last night. Suffice to say, way too long. :)

Friday, January 05, 2007

ToiKoi






We are updating our files at work - putting our hundreds of written records into a new computer system manually (typing, no scans). We are totally insane. Some of that came out in our early morning conversation about a world where carnivorous koi live in every toilet. Then one of my colleagues resorted to funny hats (the oldest trick in the book). Thank Christ and the Goddess that it's Friday and I AM NOT ON THIS WEEKEND! Neither are any of my crazy cohorts from this office, as far as I know. YAY!






Peace, out!




Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Christmas Fun


The unwrapping is over but the playing has only begun! The cats did the tree-destroying and the dog did the present-shredding. She finally passed out on her heap of gifts. So far about half of them have survived into the new year. Post-holiday good wishes to you all. Peace!













Thursday, December 28, 2006

speaking symbolically

Here I am at St. Frank’s again, doing my outreach hours. I couldn’t get in here for the past two months or more due to low staffing at our primary office. The time that I was unable to come here, as those who read my blog will have noticed, had a direct effect upon my overall mental health and well-being. My job totally sucked ass. I mean, even more ass than usual.

Coming back here after stress-o-rama gave me some added insight into my own career meanderings. I mean, I come from a clergy family and I earned all the degrees to become a minister. Then I got stalemated by the doctrines and church traditions and blah-blah’s that I would have to sign on for to do ministry.

I did a stint as a hospital chaplain for coursework and that was great. The thing is, you can’t be a hospital chaplain without being funneled through a church system. So here I am backed into a career corner.

The thing I like about chaplaincy (and that even my Baptist supervisor said was my strength) is that chaplaincy demands that the chaplain be open to the faith journey of the patient. It is not a good place for evangelists – anyone rigid about the belief structures they can allow into their brain or tolerate in others. I have the opposite problem – self diagnosed as hyper-fluidity.

So I was good at it and enjoyed it – but my difficulties with ordination power-structures have dead-ended me every time I tried to approach that career path. I ended up in human services – first doing residential care and then the job I have now at the domestic violence place. A lot of the work is similar, but there is a piece missing that I think I bumped into today.

I had the church to myself for a couple of hours and I love that. Call me anti-social, but churches are always best when they’re empty. I love my little office, which is a partially-converted vestment closet. I engage in an ongoing OCD battle with someone from the choir about whether the little St. Frank in the window should be facing out toward the landscape or in toward the room (i.e. closet). I mean, don’t you think St. Francis of Frigging Assisi or what-all would rather look out the window than stare at a closet? They bill him as nature-guy. Right now we have a fragile truce in which Frank is angled so one eye could see out the window and one into the closet/office – provided he wasn’t a frigging block of wood. I have a lot of time on my hands, here.

So on. I was in the sanctuary looking at the statuary. The giant St. Frank on the wall (rosary at hip, foot on the globe) had a bundle of fresh bay leaves tucked under the foot. Someone had clearly gathered it at the beach and stuck it on there.

I have always liked this particular statue – problematic doctrinal symbols set guiltily aside. That’s my fucking problem, by the way. You should see me trying to sing a hymn or do a responsive reading without stalling out to scowl at the intricacies of the text. And don’t tell me to go be a Unitarian. They thought I was too Pagan. Yes, they allegedly allow Pagans but you are apparently supposed to be UU first and Pagan second (actual quote). I am the other way around, thanks very much. Plus the local ones have a vehement hatred of vegetarians. Yep, religion is just that stupid. Hence my preferring a church when its empty.

Okay, back to the thing – the idea that I bumped into. Something about the image of the fresh bay leaves tucked under the foot of that old statue reminded me (or made me realize) why I got into religion in the first place. And being stuck in our central office for all these weeks, sometimes as the only staff there, facing crisis after crisis – ugly mess after ugly mess – it helped me to see how the religious symbols help life to mean something. They give us something pretty and hopeful to hold onto. Even those male-centered, Caucasian/European-heritage-centered and anthropomorphic, middle class, diversity-excluding hymns that drive me up the fucking wall every time.

So – I will try to appreciate what people are holding onto in those hymns, and take comfort in the religious imagery that nourishes me. Yay.

Oooh! Gotta go. I’ve got the church to myself, again. Time to go ogle the solid wall of Poinsettia’s under the organ pipes.

Happy New Year – filled with diversity, empowerment and peace.

pretty thoughts


Well, here we are. We survived Christmas. I am going to Boston tomorrow to do second Christmas with Dad's side of the family. We do that every year and it is good. I wrote some work stuff here, yet deleted it -- too septic even for me to keep. I want to blog on normal, mundane stuff. Pretty thoughts. Yay.

It's good weather for travelling. It is below freezing for once, and there is frost on the ground. Still, we have had almost no Maine winter. We had about four inches of snow in November, but it melted off in forty degree weather the next week. It has been totally bizzare. I'm not complaining. The ski-freaks are, though. I say fly to Aspen if you haven't got anything to do except ski (then insert profanity).

Okay. Gotta go walk the dog. :)

Friday, December 22, 2006

star and flower



my puppy's sister and littermate is up for adoption through http://www.greyhoundplacement.com/ (the exact link to flower is http://search.petfinder.com/petnote/displaypet.cgi?petid=7488586)if anyone has been oh, so jealous. here's her pic so you can see how much starflower (flower) looks like my girl, stardom. (flower is on the left, star is on the right).




speaking of stardom, her pedigree is on http://www.greyhound-data.com/d?d=stardom&sex=f&color=&birthyear=&birthland= (so is starflower, for that matter).

It's cool. It shows her Sire going all the way back to a dog named Pilot in the UK in 1820, and her Dam going back to Kitty in that same period.

:) leslie

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Monday, November 20, 2006

Nettie Rolling


This is the cat that came to us from the dump a couple of months ago. Obviously, she is settling in. :) ljl

Saturday, November 18, 2006

crazy work short-fic


Wrote this for my friends. Enjoy it if you dare! ;) ljl


Betty, Terry, and Leslie sat in the darkened office. Rain came down the foggy windows in cool, gray sheets. The only good thing about this weather was the sense of isolation. Perhaps it would be a quiet day.
After a long week as an advocate at a domestic violence agency, a good day was a wonderful thing. The three colleagues sat in a large office and toyed with the idea of lunch.
“I’m so ready for Friday,” Leslie said.
Terry nodded vigorously. “I know. I didn’t even know it was Friday already. I came to work thinking we had two more days to go.”
“Don’t even say that,” Leslie replied.
Betty rocked back and forth in the office chair so that it made a grating, methodical squeak.
“This has been about three Fridays already,” she said, “and it isn’t even noon.”
Terry nodded again. “I had three clients yell at me before nine o’clock.”
“Yeah, and I got a couple of them when the called back,” Leslie agreed. “I can’t frigging wait until the end of the….”
She stopped speaking and jumped in alarm as a loud, male voice echoed down the hall.
“Choco-doodle-doo, its twelve o’clock!” it said.
“Jesus Christ,” Leslie said under her breath. “That thing is Satan’s clock.”
Betty nodded. “Big, chocolate Satan. Obviously.”
Terry giggled. Everyone in the office teased her about the M & M candy paraphernalia that she had decorated her office with when her home daycare closed.
“At least I reset it,” she said. “It used to say good morning when it came to noon because it was set to think it was midnight.”
“Yeah, it’s much better this way.”
“I know, I know,” Terry conceded – but not in a way that suggested the slightest hint of remorse.
Betty rocked her chair faster. “At least the thing is going forward. I don’t see any of these other clocks moving, at all. Either that or they are running backwards.”
Leslie scowled. “Maybe. I still want to hit it with a hammer.”
At that very moment, the doorbell rang. All three looked toward the hallway and started to move, but Leslie moved forward first.
“I’m on in fifteen minutes,” Betty said. “I can take it if….”
Leslie shrugged. “I’m still on, and I already ate. I might as well go.”
She said this as she moved down the hall. Terry and Betty relaxed back into the silence as Leslie’s footsteps faded. She clomped down the stairs to the first floor and then they could not hear her, at all.
“So, who yelled at you?” Betty asked.
“The guy,” Terry answered.
“Which guy? The fundy?”
“Nope.”
“Oh. The crazy one?”
“Which one do you….”
“The one that smelled.”
Terry wrinkled her nose and shook her head.
Betty frowned. “Who, then? Tire iron guy?”
“Nope.”
“Hammer guy…with the hole in his head?”
“Nope. Chainsaw guy.”
“What?”
“The chainsaw guy. The one that said if he couldn’t have a twenty-four pack of beer by four o’clock, he would….”
“Oh, yeah.” Betty said. “Prick.”
Terry nodded again. They sat in silence, once more. In fact, there was absolutely no sound save the rain being blown against the modular walls.
Betty frowned again. “Hey, did you even here Leslie open the front door for anyone?”
Terry thought about it. “No, actually. She must have, though.”
“Yeah, I guess. But it makes me a little nervous.”
They looked at each other in silence for a moment before Betty sighed and got up.
“I think I’ll do a walk-through,” she said. “If I’m not back in five minutes, I’ve been killed.”
They both laughed. “Okay,” Terry said. With that, Betty was gone.
Terry looked around for something to do. She would rather gargle with broken glass than go into her office and catch up on her pile of client files. She pulled a domestic violence self-help book off Leslie’s bookshelf and flipped through it. She didn’t stop to read the pages.
As she set the book down, she noticed that the lower floor of the building was still totally silent. It was odd. Even if there was no client, Betty and Leslie should be talking or laughing. At least they should be opening and closing the kitchen cupboard doors.
An unsettling thought crept into her mind. What if the unthinkable had happened? What if an angry perpetrator had come to get revenge?
Terry sighed and slapped her knee with one hand. “Come on, now. Get your lunch. Those bitches are just hiding in a closet, hoping you’ll get worried and go looking for them.”
“No way,” she mumbled to herself. She jumped out of her seat and went downstairs.
The lower floor of the building seemed totally empty. Yet nothing was out of place. It seemed that Terry was totally alone.
She scowled and stomped over to the refrigerator. She wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of getting scared. Betty and Leslie were undoubtedly hiding in a closet. After all, the three of them had pulled the same trick on another colleague, in the past.
“They’ll be sorry when they smell my food cooking and they are stuffed into the closet in the legal room, or some shit.”
With that, she gathered her cold, fried chicken and tortillas. She was going to make a nice wrap. When they came rolling out of the closet, they would find her enjoying her meal. The laugh would be on….
Terry started to scream as strong arms wrapped around her – pinning her arms and covering her mouth. They were long and coiled about her like steel cables. They reached upward, as if her assailant was close to the ground.
She tried again to struggle and scream. It did no good. She felt dizzy with terror as she was dragged backwards across the kitchen floor. She could see her tennis shoes, but little else. The rubber soles of her shoes squeaked as she was dragged to the basement door.
There was no escape. Her unseen attacker was pulling her down the dark stairwell. The soft glow of a light could be seen looming beneath her. It was not just the safety lights that always illuminated the basement. It was flickering. It smelled. It was a fire.
As her assailant dragged her around the corner of the stairwell, Terry saw a terrible sight. There was a cauldron as big as a hot tub in the middle of the basement. There was a pile of burning logs beneath it. The cauldron with filled with…what? Tar? No. She recognized that smell. It was….
“Time for a dip,” a nasty voice said. It was cartoon-like yet very, very evil. Every syllable dripped with malevolence.
“Yes,” a munchkin-like treble replied. “She can join her friends.”
The hand finally came away from Terry’s mouth. She saw a white glove pulling away. As she screamed, she craned her neck to see. She looked behind her – then down.
A child-sized M & M was still pinning her arms and preventing escape. The red-coated agent of Hell had a mean, red glow behind the rattling plastic beads of his google-eyes.
“Put her in,” the treble-voice repeated. Terry strained her eyes into the flickering darkness. She could see another one. It was green.
“I don’t know what the fuss is about,” a blue peanut-job said. Its voice was mocking and cruel.
“That’s right,” Terry’s captor agreed. “You all said you loved chocolate, didn’t you?”
He turned Terry so that her eyes were turned toward a horrendous sight. Leslie’s yellow-coated, candy-carcass was hung from the ceiling by its feet.
Her dead face was contorted with terror. Her chocolate stained and blistered arm was reaching toward the floor. It looked as if she had been trying to escape right up until the molten confection had filled her lungs.
“Aaah, I hope you can’t see anything you’re not supposed to,” the red one said.
“Shut up,” said the peanut. “That’s your clock script. Be a free thinker, you ass.”
“Yeah,” said the green one. “This is a coup. This is revenge.”
Terry tried to control her breathing. She knew she was about to pass out. Then the sound came to her. There was a scratching…no…a pecking. It sounded like a baby bird was trying to break out of its egg. A big bird.
She looked past Leslie and screamed again. There was a giant, red cocoon of hard candy hanging from a second hook. The side was slowly cracking. As Terry watched, another chocolate-covered hand clawed forth. It had to be Betty.
“Now you see what’s on the menu,” the peanut said. “It’s you.”
The red one laughed maliciously from behind her. “Aw, don’t worry. We’re not gonna eat you.”
“No, we wouldn’t do that to you,” the green one said. “Oh, no. I hope you enjoy keeping track of the time. It’s the talking clock for you.”
Terry screamed and kicked as she was pushed…dragged toward her doom. She regretted every M & M she had ever eaten as the hot chocolate loomed into view.
The last thing Terry heard as she was consumed by the smore-stinking blackness was the rasping, relentless beat of a familiar beast. She heard the pendulum of her M & M clock.

The end.