Wednesday, August 09, 2006

The Empathizer2006


Did you see the robot-receptionist on the news? Check out robo-geisha. Fascinating. I had a scenario-hemorrhage. Brace yourself.

Robots could totally replace victim's advocates. They have lots of advantages:

1) HAHAHA! No need for lunch breaks!
2) HAHAHA! No need for caffiene! (my god - what must that be like?)
3) They are built for human consumption, so they will obviously have lots and lots and lots and lots of sex, but HAHAHA! No emotions!
4) The Empathizer2006 is a postmodernist upgrade (the preceeding models like the Collectivist1980, the BraBurner1965, the HungerStrike1920, and the Bloomer1850 having been scrap-heaped by mainstream consumers).
5)The Empathizer2006 is NON - I repeat - NONTHREATENING TO MEN! She has over three-thousand soothing voice-activations like "Oh, you poor thing. That sounds very castrating." "Feminists are nasty. They are just ugly women who can't get laid." "You've got the whole world on your shoulders. May I rub them?" "Your ex sounds like a dyke." "White men are the victims of the modern age." "Tell me - were you breastfed? Would you like to be?"


Okay. So far she has us totally beat. But let's try a day-in-the-life scenario and see how long it takes for the battery-operated-bitch's head to blow off:

Hello. How may I assist you?
I'm sorry. We don't have any gas cards today.
I do not know.
I do not know.
I do not know.
He called you a what?
How did that make you feel?
Yes, men can be victims, too. It does sound like he had a difficult childhood, but that is not a reason to....
I'm sorry. We don't have any gas cards today.
His mother said what?
Your mother said what?
How did that make you....
I do not know.
I do not know.
I do not know.
How did that make you....
(shrill beeping)
I'm sorry. We don't have any gas cards....
He hit you with a what?
How did that make you feel?
Then he said....
Could you spell that?
How did that....
I do not know.
I do not know.
No.
No.
(beeping!!!)
You don't deserve to be treated that....
Alcohol isn't really a....
I do not know.
I do not know.
Yes, his childhood sounds very horrible. Yet his drinking and his past don't....
I do not know.
Five-thirty.
No.
No.
No.
Pisces.
He's a what? I'm really not sure that it makes any....
I do not know.
The police said what? How did that make you....
I do not know.
I do not know.
I do not know.
(sizzling sound)
I'm sorry. We don't have any gascards-gascards-gas....
ZZZZZZZZZ-POW!


HAHAHA! Only a human can take this shit day after day and live to tell the tale. So, please 'scuse me. Have to go burn my fucking bra.

2 comments:

Gwen said...

LMAO! You are so AWESOME! I love how you think, but since we think alike, it's not that much of a stretch! I saw that pic and video of the robot woman, and it FREAKED me out BIG TIME! They need to add the leg opening motor, and she'd be a perfect replacement for the housewife, so the wives could go out and HAVE FUN without their dang husbands! I'm so lucky I'm a single feminist woman! BURN the bras! BURN BURN BURN! They're only torture devices anyway!!

Gwen said...

Dang, that robot pic creeps me out everytime!

Gwen